Versículo del día 4/11/11

 Jesús  dijo: “Aquel de ustedes que no tenga pecado, que le tire la primera piedra”. Juan 8:1-11

Oración: Señor, soy un pecador. A pesar de eso me he creido apto, no solo para juzgar sino criticar y tener perjuicios. El hecho es que nadie tiene derecho a hacer esto. Todos erramos y actuamos sin darnos cuenta de consecuencias y creyendo que lo que hacemos está bien. Muchas veces cometemos pecados porque estamos desinformados y no entendemos que ese acto tiene consecuencias. Ayúdame a no pecar pero también ayúdame a no juzgar a alguien que está cometiendo un pecado. Quién soy yo para hacerlo?

Concepts to Save a Marriage #9

Basic Concept #9: The Policy of Joint Agreement

Marital instincts do not lead to fair negotiation. They either lead to giving away the store (State of Intimacy) or robbing the bank (State of Conflict). And in the State of Withdrawal, no one even feels like negotiating. Yet, in order to meet each other's most important needs and avoid Love Busters consistently and effectively, fair negotiation is crucial in marriage.

You need a rule to help you override the shortsighted advice of your Giver and Taker. Their advice is shortsighted because regardless of the rule, someone gets hurt. We get hurt when we follow the Giver's advice and our spouse gets hurt when we follow the Taker's advice. So I've created a rule to guarantee that no one gets hurt, and that's the ultimate goal in fair negotiation. I call this rule the Policy of Joint Agreement:

Never do anything without an enthusiastic
agreement between you and your spouse

Almost everything you do affects each other. So it's very important to know what that effect will be before you actually do it. The Policy of Joint Agreement will help you remember to consult with each other to be sure you avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness. It also makes negotiation necessary, regardless of your state of mind. If you agree to this policy, you will not be able to do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of the other, so it forces you to discuss your plans, and negotiate with each other's feelings in mind. Without safe and pleasant negotiation, you will simply not be able to reach an enthusiastic agreement.

The Policy of Joint Agreement, combined with the Policy of Radical Honesty, helps you create an open and integrated lifestyle, one that will guarantee your love for each other. They also prevent the creation of a secret second life where infidelity, the greatest threat to your marriage, can grow like mold in a damp, dark cellar.

Versículo del día 4/10/11

 Jesús dijo: “Padre, te doy gracias porque me has escuchado. Yo ya sabía que tú siempre me escuchas." Juan 11:1-45

Oración: Señor, te agradezco de antemano por todo lo que haces por mí...hasta aquello que no ha ocurrido y aquello que no me doy cuenta. Tu siempre me escuchas, siempre!!! A veces me dices: no porque lo que te pido no me conviene o simplemente es un deseo egoista. Tu siempre eres fiel a mí. Enséñame a ser fiel a Tí.

Concepts to Save a Marriage #8

Basic Concept #8: The Three States of Mind in Marriage

The Giver and Taker create moods that I call states of mind. These states of mind have a tremendous influence on the way a husband and wife try to resolve conflicts. But in each of the three states of mind, negotiation is almost impossible. That's what makes negotiation, in general, so tough in marriage.

When we are in love and happy, we are usually in theState of Intimacy. That state of mind is controlled by the Giver, which encourages us to follow the Giver's rule: do whatever you can to make your spouse happy and avoid anything that makes your spouse unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy. That rule can lead to habits that may be good for our spouse, but can be disastrous for us because we are not negotiating with our own interests in mind.

Sadly, flawed agreements made in the state of Intimacy can lead to our own unhappiness, and that in turn wakes the slumbering Taker. As long as we are happy, our Taker has nothing to do, but when we start feeling unhappy, our Taker rises to our rescue and triggers the State of Conflict. With the Taker now in charge, we are encouraged to follow the rule: do whatever you can to make yourself happy, and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. The Taker also encourages us to be demanding, disrespectful and angry in an effort to force our spouse to make us happy. Fighting is the Taker's favorite "negotiating" strategy.

When fighting doesn't work, and we are still unhappy, the Taker encourages us to take a new course of action that triggers the State of Withdrawal. Instead of trying to force our spouse to make us happy, our Taker wants us to give up on our spouse entirely. We don't want our spouse to do anything for us, and we certainly don't want to do anything for our spouse. In this state of mind we are emotionally divorced.

How can couples work their way back to the state of Intimacy once they find themselves trapped in the state of Withdrawal? And once they are back, how can they stay there? The answers to those questions are found in Basic Concept #9.